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After the two shootings last week, I wrote this in a Note in my iPhone.

I am not poor. I am not uneducated. I am not a minority. I am not an immigrant. I am not gay. I am not mentally ill. I am not physically ill. I am not not safe. I am not lonely. I am not lost. I am not distrusted. I am not mistreated. I am not angry. I am not sad.

So what I must be is understanding. What I must be is open-minded and sympathetic to all that is above, plus everything else I’m not.

In the wake of yet another attack, I once again find myself struggling. Reading the news last night made my chest tight. Tears rolled down my face. I pulled out my laptop at midnight and canceled my scheduled post. I just couldn’t do it. I laid awake for hours. I woke up wide awake this morning and started thinking about it again. This is once again plaguing me.

I have nothing but fun things to do this weekend. I am literally going from one party to the next. Harry is turning one on Sunday and I couldn’t write that sentence without tears welling in my eyes. I will ultimately enjoy and celebrate all weekend and yet the world will continue to be…the world.

It breaks my heart to know that there is another catastrophic tragedy to live through. I have never been one to get on my social medias and use the pray for hashtags. I have never been one to put a temporary cover over my profile picture. I have been there all along, but I have never wanted to publicly display my sadness and support. But laying there again last night, thinking about where I was last week when I wrote the above, I felt like I couldn’t go on and be myself on here today.

I will ultimately be myself as I celebrate with friends and loved ones all weekend, but I will allow the above mantra to play on repeat in my head so that I can do the only thing I feel capable of doing, and that is to try and understand.